Ancient Wisdom

I've had this joke running around in my head all day today. I first heard this a long, long, loooooong, LONG time ago. It goes a little something like this:

There once was a man who had developed a very embarrassing problem. Every time he farted it made the sound "honda!" He tried to keep it hidden, but it never failed that some time during a social event, he would let out a big "honda!" fart.

Seeking some relief from this terrible situation, he asked his doctor what was wrong. His doctor was completely baffled at the strange condition. He had never heard of gastrointestinal vapors making such a sound before. The doctor did his best to assure the man that there was nothing medically wrong with him.

But the problem remained. "HONDA!" ...and it was getting worse.

Determined to find a cure for his ailment, the man began seeing specialist after specialist. Time after time, however, the doctors could find nothing wrong with him.

"HOoooNDA!"

The man was convinced that there was a problem. He began seeing practitioners of alternative medicines, but again, with the same lack of results. Until one day...

He was sitting in a diner, having lost all hope of having any form of normal life again, letting out a long stream of "HONDAs" and trying to ignore the shocked looks from the other people in the restaurant, when an incredibly old man came up to him and put a wizened hand on his shoulder.

"Son," the ancient man said, "you better get to a dentist and get that tooth looked at." Without another word, the old man shuffled out the door.

The man put his hand to his jaw with a look of bewilderment. "What was that crazy old man talking about?" *HONDAaaaa!* "My tooth?" Confused and somewhat curious, he called up his dentist and made an appointment.

Sure enough, when the time came for the dentist to check his teeth, a small abscess was found. The dentist quickly took care of the problem and congratulated the man on noticing it so early. Thoroughly confused, the man spent the whole next day trying to figure out how the old man knew. Then that night, something extraordinary occurred to him:

He had not had a "honda" fart all day!

The next day he quickly made his way down to the diner where he had met the ancient gentleman, and by some stroke of luck, he was sitting at a table near the door. The man rushed to the table and asked, "It's amazing! How did you know about my tooth?"

"You youngsters don't know anything these days," the old man croaked. "When I was your age, everyone knew that an abscess makes the fart go 'honda!'"

Ba-dum-bum-ching!

Well, I don't know about abscesses, but I do know about absences. Leslie is gone for the weekend. She went to her best friend's wedding and won't be back until Sunday. Yup, that means it's just me and the four fruits at home.

Sure, I miss my wife - but not in the holy-crap-the-kids-are-driving-me-crazy sort of way that you might expect. We actually had a great evening...and I made a flippin' HUGE meatloaf! It turned out pretty good, but dang...I didn't realize I was making so much.

Why am I writing about the stupid meatloaf? I want to write about missing my wife. I've been away on trips before, but I think this is the first time that she has been away for an extended period of time. I hope she doesn't get too stressed out while she is gone.

THE KIDS ARE FINE...RELAX!

Enjoy yourself while you are there. Take it easy. Come home safely...and have some meatloaf!

Eating Tips for The Holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving eggnog.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!


3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???


6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.


7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like shopping for a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.


8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, come on...have some standards.


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
    
    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

P.S. I honestly don't condone any of the above. It's funny to read, but the consequences of such actions are not worth it. So ignore this whole post...except for maybe the part about the eggnog...

Setting the Record Straight

I meant to post this on Friday since it relates to my work place on Fridays. If discussions of men's dress style (not fashion, mind you...STYLE) bore you, you might want to consider skipping this.

Okay, "business casual" means a man doesn't have to wear a suit. There should still be some semblance of professional bearing in dressing - after all, it is called "business casual" and not just "casual." This is why I wear button-up shirts and ties to work. I am in the distinct minority, however. While most of the other men do wear khakis or some kind of slacks, polo shirts and t-shirts are WAY too common, in my opinion. But I can overlook most of that. After all, I suppose it ranks fairly high in employee satisfaction that guys are allowed to show the world they can't dress themselves, so be it. (For the record, the women tend to dress far more appropriately for a business casual environment.)

Then comes "Jeans Friday." Every Friday, employees are allowed to wear blue jeans - and when the proverbial crap hits the fan. People turn into absolute slobs. Men "forget" to shave. Hooded sweatshirts. Baseball caps worn INSIDE all day (don't even get me started on caps worn backwards or (heaven forbid) sideways). T-shirts with logos or sayings on them that really shouldn't belong in a place of business. All of this includes men and women.

Now, I don't think I am a vain person when it comes how I dress. I don't have a large or excessive wardrobe. The clothes I do have are not even high quality. I just believe that a person should dress professionally when engaged in a professional livelihood. Because I haven't owned any jeans without holes in the knees or butt, I have been wearing slacks on Fridays, but no tie. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had bought some new jeans, so I wore them this last Friday. Holy Over-reaction Batman! You would have thought the end of the world had happened from the reaction of some of my co-workers. Steve is wearing jeans and no tie?!?

Even at Church today, where men 99.9% of the time wear suits, I was wearing one of my nicest shirts with French cuffs (long topic made short: the cuffs have no buttons and require cufflinks), with a pair of my dad's old cufflinks (which I'm sure he doesn't know I have...Hey Dad, I have your cufflinks!). Some folk thought it was "really cool" (read: "really strange") that I had cufflinks AND a pocket square (folded up handkerchief) in the breast pocket of my suit coat. These comments were from the younger fellows. I don't suppose the older gentlemen even noticed, and if they did, they probably just smiled and fiddled with their own cufflinks.

Do I think I am better than someone else because I dress better different? Good Heavens, no! There are many more capable and competent men out there in the world. I am just lamenting a culture shift that is moving away from what I would enjoy. As an anthropologist, I have been taught not to place any greater or lesser values on different cultures or cultural practices. However, in reality, it is much harder to shake my own pre-concieved notions of what is "right" - especially since I am a participant in that culture and not an outside observer.

To finish up in my defense: I do not own $300 or $400 shoes (which is generally a sign that a man takes his dressing WAY too seriously). My black and brown shoes cost me, respectively, $0 (military issue dress shoes from Basic Training) and $25. I'm not obsessive about this stuff...just aware.

Dude..."Mr. Wilson" Is My Father

So there I was walking down the hallway at work, when some guy that almost looks familiar (he didn't LOOK familiar, but had a face like he ought to) smiles at me and says, "Hi, Mr. Wilson." Since we were walking opposite directions at a pretty good clip, I didn't have time to do a double take or even realize that NOBODY at work should recognize me as "Mr. Wilson." For the life of me, I can't imagine who would possibly refer to me as Mr. Wilson - or where I would even know someone who would refer to me as such.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K...

So anyhow, I'm now kickin' back listening to Enya, watching the christmas tree lights, sipping egg nog, and enjoying a quiet house (kids are in bed). I'm actually feeling pretty relaxed. I played for a little bit with my new miniatures (a boy and his toy soldiers...I know...), successfully debugged a program called OpenRPG that I've been trying to get working on my macintosh for some time now, got a reimbursement check for some scouting supplies I had bought, and had a relatively mellow time with the Webelos tonight.

Work is going well, except for usually being finished with my work for the day a few hours too early. It makes the last part of the day really drag - especially when my cubical faces a large windowed conference room where the managers have their daily meetings and where the company hosts prospective clients. And people wonder why I wear a tie...

However, I finally have a set of my own clients that I work regularly with. They include Lowe's Home Improvement, Hard Rock Cafe, Red Wing Shoes, Metromedia Restaurants (Steak & Ale, Bennigan's, etc.), Weatherford International (oil drilling company), and Interstate (Starplex) Theatres. Yup, I'm the guy who sets up/terminates all the utility accounts nationwide for these big boys. Exciting stuff, I know. I spend my day talking to big and little people at big and little utility companies (like the City of Lower Frog Jump, Tennessee) across the continent. I find it amazing how territorial some of these people can get when you don't do things EXACTLY the way they want - and that usually comes from the smaller places (City of..., County of..., etc.). No, I am NOT going to send you a copy of MY driver's license and MY social security number to set up electric/gas/water service for a new 120,000+ square foot Lowe's Home Center! A $35,000 deposit?!? Come on...you have GOT to be kidding me. I have a federal tax id number and a letter of authorization - that is all you're getting from me besides my name and phone number.

Sounds like there should be something in the Geneva Convention about that...

Not Much to Report

Everyone is still alive. I'm getting a hair cut in a few minutes. Made some homemade bean and ham soup that was too salty. Making a half-hearted attempt at some freelance writing. Bought some new blue jeans for $10 yesterday.

Okay, I'm up for my haircut. Excitement runs amok.

Blah, Humbug!

Had a case of the "blahs" this week.

Winter has hit hard in the region - snow and crazy drivers are both out in force.

Minor dissatisfaction with my new job that I can't quite pinpoint (more on this in a bit).

A very low-grade cold or allergy or brain tumor has been making me sneeze for no apparent reason.

General mid-holiday malaise.

So what's the problem? I could probably point to a number of things...the none of them alone can explain it. And if you put all of them together, it still just sounds like whining.

Speaking of whining, am I expecting too much from a job? I'm serious. I've been there barely over a month (most of that in a training class) and I already find myself not really interested. In most of the other jobs I have had, that feeling didn't come around until MUCH later. But I'm getting paid a lot more and it's not like this stuff is hard. I just don't enjoy it. Have I been spoiled on "college jobs" for too long? Is there some job out there that I could enjoy AND make a decent living wage?

I've thought of going back to school, but for what kind of degree? I've dropped the librarianship thing because, in spite of my years in customer service type jobs, I have to honestly say that I don't like working with the public. I think a MBA is out as well. I don't think I would be happy in a business environment for the rest of my life. Why? Maybe it's the focus on money and the "bottom line" that bothers me. Teaching? Meh...I've learned from personal experience that if they don't want to be there, I don't want them in my class. Besides, what would I teach? No matter what I'd pick, it'd be another 10 years before I got out of school myself...and then have to jump through all the stupid governmental hoops that are required to be a teacher. And that still doesn't solve the main problem with teaching that I mentioned above.

So what does that leave me? Not much. Politics? Between my goofy lisping, short stature, and completely non-confrontational attitude, I'd just get run over...assuming I ever got elected in the first place. Writing? I like a roof over my head and food on my table too much for that. Farming? Sure! Oh wait...I'd need a farm. Dang.

Oh well. To end on a positive note, here are two good things that have happened this week:

Last month I went to my local game store for the Dungeons & Dragons International Game Day. Overall it was a pretty lame experience, but yesterday I got an email saying that I won the Grand Prize that the store was giving away. So today I went and picked up a bag of neat D&D miniature figures, dice, map tiles, an adventure, and other assorted goodies. Yay me!

I applied for a different position at the company I am currently working for. I meet all of the qualifications, got my manager's approval, and I think I have a fairly good chance of at least getting an interview. It at least sounds more interesting than what I am doing now. Not only that, but the position would add more than $10,000 per year to my current pay. It's worth a shot.