Friday, December 29, 2006

Ancient Wisdom

I've had this joke running around in my head all day today. I first heard this a long, long, loooooong, LONG time ago. It goes a little something like this:

There once was a man who had developed a very embarrassing problem. Every time he farted it made the sound "honda!" He tried to keep it hidden, but it never failed that some time during a social event, he would let out a big "honda!" fart.

Seeking some relief from this terrible situation, he asked his doctor what was wrong. His doctor was completely baffled at the strange condition. He had never heard of gastrointestinal vapors making such a sound before. The doctor did his best to assure the man that there was nothing medically wrong with him.

But the problem remained. "HONDA!" ...and it was getting worse.

Determined to find a cure for his ailment, the man began seeing specialist after specialist. Time after time, however, the doctors could find nothing wrong with him.

"HOoooNDA!"

The man was convinced that there was a problem. He began seeing practitioners of alternative medicines, but again, with the same lack of results. Until one day...

He was sitting in a diner, having lost all hope of having any form of normal life again, letting out a long stream of "HONDAs" and trying to ignore the shocked looks from the other people in the restaurant, when an incredibly old man came up to him and put a wizened hand on his shoulder.

"Son," the ancient man said, "you better get to a dentist and get that tooth looked at." Without another word, the old man shuffled out the door.

The man put his hand to his jaw with a look of bewilderment. "What was that crazy old man talking about?" *HONDAaaaa!* "My tooth?" Confused and somewhat curious, he called up his dentist and made an appointment.

Sure enough, when the time came for the dentist to check his teeth, a small abscess was found. The dentist quickly took care of the problem and congratulated the man on noticing it so early. Thoroughly confused, the man spent the whole next day trying to figure out how the old man knew. Then that night, something extraordinary occurred to him:

He had not had a "honda" fart all day!

The next day he quickly made his way down to the diner where he had met the ancient gentleman, and by some stroke of luck, he was sitting at a table near the door. The man rushed to the table and asked, "It's amazing! How did you know about my tooth?"

"You youngsters don't know anything these days," the old man croaked. "When I was your age, everyone knew that an abscess makes the fart go 'honda!'"

Ba-dum-bum-ching!

Well, I don't know about abscesses, but I do know about absences. Leslie is gone for the weekend. She went to her best friend's wedding and won't be back until Sunday. Yup, that means it's just me and the four fruits at home.

Sure, I miss my wife - but not in the holy-crap-the-kids-are-driving-me-crazy sort of way that you might expect. We actually had a great evening...and I made a flippin' HUGE meatloaf! It turned out pretty good, but dang...I didn't realize I was making so much.

Why am I writing about the stupid meatloaf? I want to write about missing my wife. I've been away on trips before, but I think this is the first time that she has been away for an extended period of time. I hope she doesn't get too stressed out while she is gone.

THE KIDS ARE FINE...RELAX!

Enjoy yourself while you are there. Take it easy. Come home safely...and have some meatloaf!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Eating Tips for The Holidays

  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving eggnog.

  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like shopping for a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

  8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, come on...have some standards.

  10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

P.S. I honestly don't condone any of the above. It's funny to read, but the consequences of such actions are not worth it. So ignore this whole post...except for maybe the part about the eggnog...

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Setting the Record Straight

I meant to post this on Friday since it relates to my work place on Fridays. If discussions of men's dress style (not fashion, mind you...STYLE) bore you, you might want to consider skipping this.

Okay, "business casual" means a man doesn't have to wear a suit. There should still be some semblance of professional bearing in dressing - after all, it is called "business casual" and not just "casual." This is why I wear button-up shirts and ties to work. I am in the distinct minority, however. While most of the other men do wear khakis or some kind of slacks, polo shirts and t-shirts are WAY too common, in my opinion. But I can overlook most of that. After all, I suppose it ranks fairly high in employee satisfaction that guys are allowed to show the world they can't dress themselves, so be it. (For the record, the women tend to dress far more appropriately for a business casual environment.)

Then comes "Jeans Friday." Every Friday, employees are allowed to wear blue jeans - and when the proverbial crap hits the fan. People turn into absolute slobs. Men "forget" to shave. Hooded sweatshirts. Baseball caps worn INSIDE all day (don't even get me started on caps worn backwards or (heaven forbid) sideways). T-shirts with logos or sayings on them that really shouldn't belong in a place of business. All of this includes men and women.

Now, I don't think I am a vain person when it comes how I dress. I don't have a large or excessive wardrobe. The clothes I do have are not even high quality. I just believe that a person should dress professionally when engaged in a professional livelihood. Because I haven't owned any jeans without holes in the knees or butt, I have been wearing slacks on Fridays, but no tie. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had bought some new jeans, so I wore them this last Friday. Holy Over-reaction Batman! You would have thought the end of the world had happened from the reaction of some of my co-workers. Steve is wearing jeans and no tie?!?

Even at Church today, where men 99.9% of the time wear suits, I was wearing one of my nicest shirts with French cuffs (long topic made short: the cuffs have no buttons and require cufflinks), with a pair of my dad's old cufflinks (which I'm sure he doesn't know I have...Hey Dad, I have your cufflinks!). Some folk thought it was "really cool" (read: "really strange") that I had cufflinks AND a pocket square (folded up handkerchief) in the breast pocket of my suit coat. These comments were from the younger fellows. I don't suppose the older gentlemen even noticed, and if they did, they probably just smiled and fiddled with their own cufflinks.

Do I think I am better than someone else because I dress better different? Good Heavens, no! There are many more capable and competent men out there in the world. I am just lamenting a culture shift that is moving away from what I would enjoy. As an anthropologist, I have been taught not to place any greater or lesser values on different cultures or cultural practices. However, in reality, it is much harder to shake my own pre-concieved notions of what is "right" - especially since I am a participant in that culture and not an outside observer.

To finish up in my defense: I do not own $300 or $400 shoes (which is generally a sign that a man takes his dressing WAY too seriously). My black and brown shoes cost me, respectively, $0 (military issue dress shoes from Basic Training) and $25. I'm not obsessive about this stuff...just aware.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Dude..."Mr. Wilson" Is My Father

So there I was walking down the hallway at work, when some guy that almost looks familiar (he didn't LOOK familiar, but had a face like he ought to) smiles at me and says, "Hi, Mr. Wilson." Since we were walking opposite directions at a pretty good clip, I didn't have time to do a double take or even realize that NOBODY at work should recognize me as "Mr. Wilson." For the life of me, I can't imagine who would possibly refer to me as Mr. Wilson - or where I would even know someone who would refer to me as such.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K...

So anyhow, I'm now kickin' back listening to Enya, watching the christmas tree lights, sipping egg nog, and enjoying a quiet house (kids are in bed). I'm actually feeling pretty relaxed. I played for a little bit with my new miniatures (a boy and his toy soldiers...I know...), successfully debugged a program called OpenRPG that I've been trying to get working on my macintosh for some time now, got a reimbursement check for some scouting supplies I had bought, and had a relatively mellow time with the Webelos tonight.

Work is going well, except for usually being finished with my work for the day a few hours too early. It makes the last part of the day really drag - especially when my cubical faces a large windowed conference room where the managers have their daily meetings and where the company hosts prospective clients. And people wonder why I wear a tie...

However, I finally have a set of my own clients that I work regularly with. They include Lowe's Home Improvement, Hard Rock Cafe, Red Wing Shoes, Metromedia Restaurants (Steak & Ale, Bennigan's, etc.), Weatherford International (oil drilling company), and Interstate (Starplex) Theatres. Yup, I'm the guy who sets up/terminates all the utility accounts nationwide for these big boys. Exciting stuff, I know. I spend my day talking to big and little people at big and little utility companies (like the City of Lower Frog Jump, Tennessee) across the continent. I find it amazing how territorial some of these people can get when you don't do things EXACTLY the way they want - and that usually comes from the smaller places (City of..., County of..., etc.). No, I am NOT going to send you a copy of MY driver's license and MY social security number to set up electric/gas/water service for a new 120,000+ square foot Lowe's Home Center! A $35,000 deposit?!? Come on...you have GOT to be kidding me. I have a federal tax id number and a letter of authorization - that is all you're getting from me besides my name and phone number.

Sounds like there should be something in the Geneva Convention about that...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Not Much to Report

Everyone is still alive. I'm getting a hair cut in a few minutes. Made some homemade bean and ham soup that was too salty. Making a half-hearted attempt at some freelance writing. Bought some new blue jeans for $10 yesterday.

Okay, I'm up for my haircut. Excitement runs amok.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Blah, Humbug!

Had a case of the "blahs" this week.

  • Winter has hit hard in the region - snow and crazy drivers are both out in force.

  • Minor dissatisfaction with my new job that I can't quite pinpoint (more on this in a bit).

  • A very low-grade cold or allergy or brain tumor has been making me sneeze for no apparent reason.

  • General mid-holiday malaise.

  • So what's the problem? I could probably point to a number of things...the none of them alone can explain it. And if you put all of them together, it still just sounds like whining.

    Speaking of whining, am I expecting too much from a job? I'm serious. I've been there barely over a month (most of that in a training class) and I already find myself not really interested. In most of the other jobs I have had, that feeling didn't come around until MUCH later. But I'm getting paid a lot more and it's not like this stuff is hard. I just don't enjoy it. Have I been spoiled on "college jobs" for too long? Is there some job out there that I could enjoy AND make a decent living wage?

    I've thought of going back to school, but for what kind of degree? I've dropped the librarianship thing because, in spite of my years in customer service type jobs, I have to honestly say that I don't like working with the public. I think a MBA is out as well. I don't think I would be happy in a business environment for the rest of my life. Why? Maybe it's the focus on money and the "bottom line" that bothers me. Teaching? Meh...I've learned from personal experience that if they don't want to be there, I don't want them in my class. Besides, what would I teach? No matter what I'd pick, it'd be another 10 years before I got out of school myself...and then have to jump through all the stupid governmental hoops that are required to be a teacher. And that still doesn't solve the main problem with teaching that I mentioned above.

    So what does that leave me? Not much. Politics? Between my goofy lisping, short stature, and completely non-confrontational attitude, I'd just get run over...assuming I ever got elected in the first place. Writing? I like a roof over my head and food on my table too much for that. Farming? Sure! Oh wait...I'd need a farm. Dang.

    Oh well. To end on a positive note, here are two good things that have happened this week:

  • Last month I went to my local game store for the Dungeons & Dragons International Game Day. Overall it was a pretty lame experience, but yesterday I got an email saying that I won the Grand Prize that the store was giving away. So today I went and picked up a bag of neat D&D miniature figures, dice, map tiles, an adventure, and other assorted goodies. Yay me!

  • I applied for a different position at the company I am currently working for. I meet all of the qualifications, got my manager's approval, and I think I have a fairly good chance of at least getting an interview. It at least sounds more interesting than what I am doing now. Not only that, but the position would add more than $10,000 per year to my current pay. It's worth a shot.
  • Sunday, November 26, 2006

    The Fruits of My Loom




    Yeah, I gotta claim 'em...and yeah, they're fruits.

    Wednesday, November 22, 2006

    There's a Grumpy Frog in my Gene Pool!

    Not really. Or maybe there is. It would explain a lot.

    Anyhow, I've decided to dedicate this particular blog entry to some non-ranting topic. I just don't know what that topic will be yet. Oh, how about the Diplomacy game I'm in.

    Diplomacy is a board game that came out sometime in the 1960s (yeah, ancient history, I know). However, it has really come to shine with the rise of the Internet. The game, as the name suggests, is all about building and ruining diplomatic relations with the other players. It is set in pre-World War One Europe and each player controls one of the major nations: England, France, Germany, Italy, Austria-Hungry, Russia, or Turkey (although there are a huge number of variations nowadays). The majority of each turn is writing letters to the other players, trying to convince them to help your cause...or at least not hinder you.

    The next part is writing orders for your military units on the board (of which you have one for each supply center you control). A game moderator collects the orders, reveals them simultaneously and adjudicates the results. The goal is to control 18 of the 34 supply centers.

    As you are never sure what the other players are going to do or what deals they may have with other players, the game is full of intrigue, lying, pleading, threatening, misinforming, guessing, convincing, and just about everything else that could conceivably go on in Real World political manipulations.

    Turns happen once a week - it can't be considered a fast-paced game by any means, but that time is not spent idle. The emails are furiously flying the whole time (or should be anyways).

    The board for the game I am currently in looks like this:



    Perhaps in a bit of irony, I drew Russia as my nation. They are the white pieces in the upper right corner in and around the Scandinavian nations, and the white pieces in and around the Black Sea in the lower right. I currently control 6 supply centers (the areas that have the little white dot patterns), but things will change shortly. As you can see, I have a fleet in Norway (that used to belong to England...heh), but Germany, a former ally, has moved an army into Sweden - despite his claims of neutrality in those northern countries. Retribution will be swift...if only I can convince England to agree to some sort of peace treaty...which means I might have to give back Norway. Yuck.

    Russia has the unenviable position of having its forces split between a northern and a southern front. Of my southern neighbors, I am in a (hopefully) strong alliance with Austria (red), while Turkey and I are pretty much in a stalemate until Austria can deal with those pesky Italians and Germans on his west flank. Once that is done (easier said...) we will be able to crack Turkey open fairly easily.

    So my take on the other nations positions:

    England (dark blue): Weak. Unless I can convince him to stop being a lackey of the Germans, I don't see him as gaining much ground.

    France (light blue): Fair. A screw-up in his last set of orders left a fleet stranded in Portugal. It could have been so much more useful out in the Atlantic somewhere. Oh well.

    Austria (red): Fair. A staunch ally, but threatened by the Italian-German alliance. I'm trying to do what I can to break that up.

    Turkey (yellow): Fair to Good. I rate his position above the previous ones, not because he is in any position to gain much ground, but because he is strong defensively. However, that will change over time now that I have a fleet in the Black Sea.

    Italy (green): Good. Bit of a pompous player and a wild card in the game. His early attack on Austria would have failed spectacularly if it wasn't for Germany meddling in areas that should be none of his concern. Poses a threat to my ally, Austria.

    Germany (black): Strong. If things go well for him this next turn, he will have the strongest position on the board by far. We mutually agreed on a demilitarized zone in our centers, but if he gains the two supply centers that I think he will, he can march right into the heartland of Russia and there would be little I could do about it. My only hope is to convince the others of his imminent superior position.

    Where would I rate Russia? Prior to this turn, I felt I was on top of the pack. Unfortunately, Germany's stab and Turkey's unexpected moves (which stalemated us) have drastically stalled my world domination. Therefore, I put myself somewhere between Italy and Turkey. I only put myself below Italy because it seems the Italian-German alliance is still going strong, while my alliance with Germany is...um...not.

    In any case, this is not a game for those who have their feelings hurt easily and often. It is brutal at times. The rules of Diplomacy are really quite simple. It's the human factor that makes the game what it is.

    Tuesday, November 21, 2006

    Concerning Male-Bashing

    I work in a nearly all-female team at my job. Not that I mind, but DANG! Sometimes they get chatting about a topic that just annoys me to no end. For example: Today they started discussing all of the perceived problems with men (most either blatantly false or ridiculously ignorant). To top it all off, one of the women, who just returned to work after having a baby a few weeks ago, came in with her husband and new child to show them off to everyone. When it was time to go, the husband asked, "Which way is the exit?" as he was leaving with the baby. (Our set of cubicles is not near the exit and it can be quite confusing to someone who isn't there every day.)

    This woman had the gaul to mock her husband in front of everyone and then pointing a finger in the right direction, proceeded to launch into the foolishness of males in general - which several other women happily joined in.

    Now, I don't have a problem with women in the workplace, but these women in particular seem to have no etiquette when it comes to their better half visiting them at work. I would place a large sum of money on a man actually getting up and escorting his wife to the exit. ESPECIALLY if she was a new mother.

    I've met more and more women lately (generally those in the workforce) that claim that men don't understand women, but honestly believe that they understand all men. Bull crap. We are not just simplistic little animals that think of nothing but food, sex, and video games. Men might ACT that way, but only because the women in their lives treat them like children.

    Grown men do not need their wife/girlfriend to be their mother. Nor do we necessarily want a damsel in distress to rescue. We want a woman who we can ride off into the unknown adventures with TOGETHER. We will rescue them if they need it, but we want to be sure they will rescue us when WE need it. A companion. A helpmeet. A friend. A lover. A co-adventurer. Someone who will make us want to live up to the ideals of honor, integrity, chivalry, etc.

    All that being said, I am not a misogynist. On the contrary, I am a solid supporter of feminism - meaning the true definition, and not the pseudo-political crap that is thinly disguised misandry/misogamy.

    Okay, rant over. Sometimes American culture worries me.

    Sunday, November 19, 2006

    Clarification on Answer #1

    My answer to question #1 below is really a massive oversimplification. It completely ignores the years between that event and when I started dating my wife. Those intervening years did see some other relationships, but I find it interesting (and somewhat telling) that that one particular relationship is what jumped into my mind.

    Perhaps the more correct answer to the question would be: I had to make a decision who I wanted to seriously start dating, my wife or this other girl who I had spent a lot of time with. I chose my wife...obviously.

    All in all, I wish that question wasn't asked. Brings up too many awkward memories.

    Getting To Know Me (But Do You Really Want To?)

    Okay Sis, I'll humor "being tagged." Just remember, you asked for it...

    1. Explain what ended your last relationship? Umm...do I have to answer this? She got married. I am firmly convinced that I am much happier now anyway.

    2. When was the last time you shaved? This morning before church.

    3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Plotting world domination in the online Diplomacy game I'm in.

    4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Reading some comics on boardgamegeek.com.

    5. Are you any good at math?I've gotten better at it over the years. Wishing I didn't say "When will I EVER use this in real life?" so much in high school.

    6. Your prom night? Did I go to prom? Huh...must have been REAL memorable...

    7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Adam and Eve, Noah, probably Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob as well.

    8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Yes, but it will be nothing but a memory before too long.

    9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? I don't have the slightest idea what this question is about.

    10. Last thing received in the mail? A utility bill, 2 credit card offers, an overpriced clothing catalog that I have never heard of before, a Victoria's Secret catalog (don't ask), and a bank statement.

    11. How many different beverages have you had today? Two - water and milk.

    12. Do you ever leave messages on peoples answering machines? Never.

    13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Now, this all depends on what exactly is meant by this question. In either case I refuse to answer.

    14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Yes. Followed by my wife's name and a heart drawn around them both.

    15. What was the most painful dental procedure you have had? Every. Single. One.

    16. What is out your back door? An ugly back yard that I hope will revive in the spring.

    17. Any plans for Friday night? I don't plan that far ahead.

    18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I claim true indifference.

    19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Not only did I received one, but I have bought several in years past. I don't anymore.

    20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? I vaguely remember being in one as a small child.

    21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? That all depends...

    22. Some things you are excited about? God, Family, and Country.

    23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Gotta go with red.

    24. Describe your keychain(s)? A small vial of consecrated oil.

    25. This question is MIA. Okay...

    26. Where do you keep your change? A clear-green piggy bank.

    27. What kind of winter coat do you own? Well, what do you know? I don't have one. Huh. Guess I'm going to have to do something about that before it gets TOO cold.

    28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? I'm trying to forget my high school graduation (thanks for bringing up a rotten memory) and I refused to attend my college graduation.

    29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Open. Only so I can hear my kids if they need something...like me having to beat the [CENSORED] out of any intruders. And I'm not kidding.

    30. Did U read this far? For starters, I HATE when someone uses text-speak like "U" for "you" - drives me nuts. Other than that, I refuse to "tag" anyone else for this. If you couldn't tell from my responses, I'm feeling a bit ornery and I probably won't read your responses anyway. So there.

    Friday, November 10, 2006

    Veteran's Day

    National Defense Service Medal
    Air Reserve Meritorious Service Medal
    Air Force Longevity Service Award
    Armed Forces Reserve Medal
    NCO Professional Military Education Ribbon
    Air Force Basic Military Training Honor Graduate Ribbon
    Small Arms Expert Marksmanship Ribbon
    Air Force Training Ribbon



    To all the men and women who have served in the military of their respective countries: Thank you.

    To all those who have not been in the military: You're welcome.

    To former (or current) military folk (of any country) who act (or speak) dishonorably: I cannot conjure up the words I would need to fully express my disgust. I'll just leave it at that.

    Thursday, November 09, 2006

    Okay, Okay...Stop Calling Me

    Here's the deal: Now that I'm spending 8 hours a day at work, I can't say I'm terribly thrilled to rush home and write about work in my blog. Don't get me wrong, my new job is good, but I've got so many other things going on that I haven't felt like sitting down and typing.

    When I get home around 4:00, I usually have things to plan for - I'm the new Webelos (Cub Scouts) leader that I have to plan for so the boys don't run wild every Wednesday. Saturdays, I've learned that I have to use most of that day gathering supplies for scouts as well as preparing a sunday school lesson for a large group of 13-14 year olds. Add that to trying to find time to spend some time with each of my kids individually as well as spending time with my wife.

    Dang. I guess I'm all growed up now.

    Anyway, work is ticking right along. My official title is "Utility Coordinator." I just finished a long training class yesterday. And since my desk doesn't get set up until tomorrow, I've been in a limbo-like existence. Added to that, my manager is on jury duty, so I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Of course, everyone else in the unit is more than happy to have me help them with their work....um....yeah....

    On the upside, on week two of working, the company did an adjustment to their pay-scale and I ended up getting a $2 an hour raise. I'm actually making an "almost out of poverty" wage! Actually, it isn't that bad, but with 4+ kids I'm still considered poor enough to qualify for all kinds of government assistance programs...not that I need them now - it's called LIVING WITHIN YOUR MEANS, PEOPLE!

    (Insert appropriate rant about people thinking govt. assistance is a right not a privilege here)

    As for the recent elections...the way everything has been handled (and the associated opposing reactions) is, to me, a prime example of why we need a third political party in this country. Yeah, yeah, there is the Libertarians or the Green Party, or any number of "little guys" but nothing that can compete yet. I probably more closely agree with the Libertarians...with a few exception of where they carry a few issues to illogical extremes. Anyhow, unless the current Democrat/Republican parties can figure out what they actually stand for (besides the sole goal of being (re)elected and being "in control"), I'm not sure where I stand. Folks on both sides can be so ignorant/close-minded/misguided/whatever, that I'm a bit disillusioned all the way around. It has become more about what is good for "the party" rather than what is good for the country.

    So a big raspberry to 'em all! :P

    Thursday, October 19, 2006

    "I am the Greatest!"

    Just came across this old Kenny Rogers song titled, "The Greatest":

    Little boy
    In a baseball hat
    Stands in the field
    With his ball and bat

    Says, "I am the greatest
    Player of them all!"
    Puts his bat on his shoulder
    And he tosses up his ball

    And the ball goes up and the ball comes down
    He swings his bat all the way around
    The world's so still you can hear the sound
    The baseball falls
    To the ground

    Now the little boy
    Doesn't say a word
    Picks up his ball
    He is undeterred

    Says, "I am the greatest
    There has ever been!"
    And he grits his teeth
    And he tries it again

    And the ball goes up and the ball comes down
    He swings his bat all the way around
    The world's so still you can hear the sound
    The baseball falls
    To the ground

    He makes no excuses
    He shows no fear
    He just closes his eyes
    And listens to the cheers

    Little boy
    He adjusts his hat
    Picks up his ball
    Stares at his bat

    Says, "I am the greatest!
    The game is on the line!"
    And he gives his all
    One last time

    And the ball goes up and the moon's so bright
    Swings his bat with all his might
    And the world's as still, as still can be
    And the baseball falls...
    ...And that's strike three

    Now it's suppertime
    And his momma calls
    Little boy starts home
    With his bat and ball

    Says, "I am the greatest!
    That is a fact.
    But even I didn't know
    I could pitch like that."

    Says, "I am the greatest!
    That is understood.
    But even I didn't know
    I could pitch that good."

    After hearing that, I decided to post the lyric in opposition to the song listed two posts ago. It's amazing the roller-coaster ride I've been on lately. Now I don't think I have quite the attitude of the little boy, but the song really struck me because...

    I HAVE A JOB!!!!!

    Yes, that is right. I am now back in the realm of the gainfully employed. Okay, I actually don't start work until Wednesday, but still...WhaaaHoooo! Humanix came through and lined up an interview for me with a huge nationwide company that has its headquarters here in town - Advantage IQ. What will I be doing? I will be one of the folks responsible for the opening and closing of accounts. What does that mean? I'm not going to describe what the company does...you can go to the website and find out if you're that interested. These folk work with big name corporations like McDonalds, Home Depot, Jack-in-the-Box, Staples, Starbucks, etc. I wasn't too sure about the job when I first heard about it, but after the interview I can honestly say that I am excited to see how things work.

    I will certainly keep things updated on what I'm doing (within privacy guidelines, of course) as I learn more about it myself. Overall, it will be nice to get a paycheck again.

    Thursday, October 12, 2006

    Feeling Somewhat Better

    Whew.

    The upside of having a rough period of time is that at some point things do get better. Yesterday (yeah, Happy Birthday to me and all that rot...whoop-de-doo) after being rejected by a janitorial company (quote: "You really don't want to clean houses for a living. You should go get a master's degree or something."), I walked into a local temporary employment agency (Humanix) and asked if they could help me out. Now, the reason I had not gone that route earlier is because the only experience I had prior to this was when I ended up as a contractor for Boeing...a job that I completely hated.

    This time, however, looks to be a little more promising. While I am not working yet, they did sit me down and ran me through a battery of tests that took about 3 hours to complete. Because of that, I am confident that they have a good grasp of my abilities and strengths. Also, after talking with one of their employment specialists, who didn't pre-judge me in any way (a tremendous breath of fresh air to this whole crappy experience), I am confident in their ability/desire to find me something that I can do...and they do not charge me any money for this! Their fees are paid by the companies that hire them to pre-screen temporary and/or full time candidates. Looks like a win/win situation to me.

    No matter what happens, it was a nice birthday present and has helped get me out of the funk I've been in lately (somewhat). I guess I just needed to get really pissed off first in order for me to go in there.

    Friday, October 06, 2006

    Speaking of the Bobs...

    This past week, rough as it has been as far as job interviews, reminds me of another Bobs song. Here it is in its entirety:

    Like a parrot in a picture window,
    I can see where I'd like to be.
    But repeated blows to my feathered little head
    Have taught me not to fly straight.

    Kinda depressing, huh? It has been that kind of week. I'm starting to lose my self-confidence in being able to convince others that I can do something...anything. It's not that I don't think I can do the job, just my ability to communicate to others that I can do that job. It is entirely frustrating - especially when an interview starts with the question: "So, why haven't you been working for the past few months?" As if there is something wrong with me. Arrrgg! SCREW YOU!

    I though about deleting that last bit, but I'm not going to. I'm that frustrated. Somedays I just know Leslie is glad I'm not a cussing man...

    Tuesday, September 26, 2006

    I Found 'Em!

    Wah-hooo!!!! Break into your "Happy Snoopy Dance" everyone - I found em!

    After a long time of searching for an inconsequential piece of genealogical information, I think I have finally found what I have been looking for: The ship that John Wilson, the first person in my direct line to come to America, came over on. I still have to verify it on the actual ship's passenger list, but I'm 90% sure it is them (meaning John and his mother Eliza).

    Why am I so sure? Also on that ship is a Mercy Miller, which is the married name of John's younger sister and a William A.S. Miller, who is Mercy's son. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is them - but I still want to see the actual passenger list. I got the info off a website I just came across.

    Anyway, here is my tentative timeline of John Wilson's life (some details I will leave out for brevity's sake):

  • 1828 - John born in Ingleby Cross, England

  • 1853(?) - John's father, Robert, dies

  • 1 March 1856 - John baptized (and I always thought he was baptized after he came to America)

  • 18 April 1856 - John boards the ship Samuel Curling at Liverpool with his mother, Eliza, his sister, Mercy, and her son William (possibly others, but we won't worry about that right now)

  • 23 May 1856 - The Samuel Curling arrives in Boston, USA

  • 26 May? - The Mormon pioneers from the Samuel Curling board a train and travel to Iowa City (need to verify this one)

  • 15 July 1856 - John, Eliza, and Mercy (and her son) join the James G. Willie handcart company (yeah, one of the doomed ones) and leave Iowa City

  • September(?) 1856 - Upon reaching Florence (now Omaha), Nebraska, John and Eliza drop out of the company and stay there for the next four years (Good for John and his mother, not so good for Mercy and her little boy who continued on. She survived, not sure if he did or not)

  • 30 May 1860 - John, according to the 1860 Census,was working as an upholsterer when he and Eliza join the Warren Walling handcart company and leave Florence

  • 9 August 1860 - The Warren Walling Company arrives in the Salt Lake Valley

  • There is more, but that is the time frame I've been working on. For some reason, I just wanted to know the details of exactly how John and his mother got from England to Utah.

    Now that that is settled, I really would love to do some more research into the area of England John was living in prior to immigrating. I've always thought it would be neat to write a book about his life. Even though I couldn't write specifically about what he did (as he left no written record that I know of), there should be enough about the period of time, areas, and travel companions that could fill a book.

    Let's see, how many descendants of John are there? Multiply that by the price of a book and I could make enough money for my family to starve. Still, it would be an interesting project and perhaps quite valuable for someone in the future.

    Monday, September 25, 2006

    Up-To-Date Updates

    Random (and probably incomplete) update on the family:

    Just had an open house at the kids school this last week. They are both doing just great and their teachers - while having extremely different teaching styles - seem to be doing a good job. Mary (now in 3rd grade) is starting to bring home regular homework so I sit with her for a half-hour every day (or 45 minutes if she is feeling ornery) and do math, geography, spelling, grammar, and reading. Actually, she does the reading on her own - I just nag at her to do it.

    Isaiah is just...himself. He has a VERY freeform 1st grade class. They don't even have assigned seats (during the open house I wasn't even sure if they HAD seats). No homework yet, but he brings home papers that he has done in class and he seems to be doing quite well.

    Rebekah has hit that stage where she thinks nobody loves her - especially when she doesn't get her way. I've started to chant my "I love you no matter what" mantra that the older two kids repeat back to me when I get grumpy with them. She will grow out of it just like the older two did - it's just a matter of time.

    Emma is an ornery little bugger (yeah, and who in this family isn't?). She insists on watching "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" every second of the day. She calls it "Jo-Jo." It's a good thing that I absolutely love the music. She is also the new resident nudist - Rebekah gave up the position quite some time ago. Even though it is getting colder, she refuses to stay dressed - or even diapered, which causes some "surprises" around the house. We did manage to slip "Sleeping Beauty" in the VCR today and Leslie caught her giving kisses to Prince Philip! Being the father that I am, I'm going to have to sit this Philip boy down and have a talk with him.

    I don't know if I ever mentioned this (I'm too lazy to go back through all my old entries), but Leslie is pregnant and doing well. The new bundle of personality-plus is due (wait for it...) early March. Can that month get any more crowded with birthdays and anniversaries?!? Kinda makes me wonder what makes the month of June so different from the rest of the year.

    Apparently last year when Isaiah came home from kindergarten, he and Leslie would watch a show on Nickelodeon called Avatar: The Last Airbender. I had seen maybe a total of five minutes of it - usually because I was busy or just passing by on my way to do something else. Anyway, the whole first season just came out on DVD and Leslie got it for her birthday. Now that the whole family has started watching it over the past few days, I have to admit that it is fun to watch. It has a great story-line and some of the dialogue/animation is fantastic. We are only about halfway through right now. I'm interested in seeing how it all ends up.

    I recently found a DOS emulator for my Macintosh. I still had a few DOS games floating around and got them loaded up and, while a little slow at times, they run great. Turns out it was actually MUCH easier to get them to run on my Mac than it used to be to get them to run on Windows. Go figure. So I've been wasting time playing nostalgic games like X-Com: UFO Defense, Master of Magic, etc. It's not like I have much else to do right now.

    Which brings me to the job hunt. I apply. I get a few interviews. And, for reasons completely unfathomable to me, I get rejected. I mean, come on...I've been in management before, I have great references, I'm a hard and organized worker, I have a college degree...ah, my college degree. Why do I have the feeling that my Anthropology degree is somehow sabotaging me? Apparently I'm not qualified to do anything that pays well (in spite of my experience), but I'm "overqualified" for jerk-work. But I haven't completely given up hope. I'm going to fast and pray tomorrow and see if I can get a little help from the Big Man. Anyone who wants to join me is sure welcome to. It'll be...fun.

    Speaking of church, I got called to teach Sunday School again. 13-14 year olds...the whole surly lot of 'em. Actually they are a great group of kids. I love teaching that age group because once you get past the "14-year old attitude" that every kid has, it is fun to watch their eyes light up when they make a connection with the scriptures. This year was the Old Testament which, I admit, can be quite tough for that age group (or any age group for that matter) to grasp. I've taught it several times now and really enjoy the historical aspect of it as well as the spiritual side. Starting January, we'll be in the New Testament, but I don't know how many of these kids will move up to an older class. It's nice to be back in a comfort zone.

    Alright, enough rambling for now. The time/date stamp on this entry is correct and I'm starting to get blurry-eyed.

    Sunday, September 17, 2006

    Night Terrors

    I finally figured it out this last week. Isaiah has been suffering from night terrors. He had them in the past several times, but he didn't have any problems during our travels this last summer (thankfully). However, they have started up again, and I have finally figured out what to call them and what to do about it.

    I tell ya, it has been frustrating and (I have to admit) a bit (or a lot) annoying. While I don't think he has a lot of anxiety, he probably does have a lot of scary images floating around in his head (I've attempted to remedy this over the years by thinning out our movie/tv/dvd collection). More importantly, there is a study that mentions breathing irregularities having something to do with night terrors. I can readily believe this since Isaiah had RSV as a newborn and probably has all kinds of breathing irregularities.

    Even if there isn't much I can do for him (other than having his tonsils and/or adenoids removed), at least I can be a little more rational about the situation.

    Wednesday, September 13, 2006

    Thoughts on Powdered Milk

    Yeah, yeah...strange topic. I know. My family and I have been using powdered milk exclusively for the past three years. That's right. No "regular" bottled milk. Here are some thoughts:

  • It's cheaper

  • With two adults and four kids, we go through about 3 quarts a day (see above)

  • It really doesn't taste as bad as you might remember - just refrigerate it overnight

  • Look for powder that has a bigger "grain" - the fine powders clump up terribly and that does taste bad

  • Brand-names (Carnation, Milkman, etc.) = expensive and annoying little pouches

  • Flavorite brand = good

  • Western Family brand = better (and you can buy it in 10 pound boxes)

  • Safeway brand = bad

  • The kind you can get from LDS canneries = horrible (read above about clumping)

  • The suggested one year supply of powdered milk for my family is 83 pounds (whoa)

  • That's about 21 boxes of the 20 quart size

  • That's 420 quarts

  • At three quarts a day - that's only 140 days

  • Therefore, we'd need 1095 quarts for a year...

  • ...54.75 boxes...

  • ...219 pounds...

  • Egad!
  • Monday, September 11, 2006

    9 / 11

    So here this country sits, five years after the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I'm not really in the mood to make a big long rant about the proper role of government or anything like that. I just feel a bit sad that things like that happen and some people don't think it is noteworthy anymore or not worth dwelling on.

    I disagree.

    Granted, I don't think we should be thinking about it every day or living in fear/anger/whatever for the rest of our lives. We should, however, remember that that event changed (or should have anyway) everything - similar to how the bombing of Pearl Harbor changed everything for the people back then. The difference between then and now, I think, is that we have become so jaded with a life of luxury.

    I mean, come on. I'm unemployed but I still have a TV (no channels, but still), a VCR/DVD player with a bunch of movies to watch, a mini-van that is completely paid for, a computer (and a half) with a connection to the Internet (a dial up one, but still), and still plenty of food in the cupboards. We live in a four-bedroom house with a fenced yard, with an air-conditioner (which I don't turn on, but still), located in a great neighborhood with an elementary school for my kids to attend only four blocks away. I have a credit card and enough of a credit limit (not to mention a great credit score) to purchase just about anything I could possibly want AND have it delivered to my home without even breaking a sweat. I have books, games, a college education, family, religious values, clean water to drink, cook, bathe, and flush my toilet with, electricity, clothes washer and dryer, a refrigerator/freezer, and green grass (sort of).

    And what do people in developing and war-torn countries have? Perspective. A firmer grasp on the realities of life. A belief that they aren't "entitled" to the "basics" of everyday American life.

    Whew...I really didn't think I was in a mood for a rant. At least it wasn't about government. Don't get me wrong, I love my country. I've even been debating on trying to get an officer commission in the Air Force (have to wait until March for that one though...long story). I just get pent up when I hear people whining and complaining about all the crap other people aren't doing for them - especially when they have more than I do at this point.

    What ever happened to, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"?

    Sunday, September 10, 2006

    Blog-a-Log (or: No-New-Is-Bad-News)

    The job search is going crappy...thanks for asking. I apply to 2 or 3 A DAY - no takers yet.

    Unemployment sucks.

    But enough about that. On to more exciting stuff. I'm adopting a cavalier (adj.: showing a lack of proper concern; offhand) attitude and am going to make up some exciting stuff to write since there is a distinct lack of excitement in the aforementioned life of job hunting.

    I've always been big on imagination and making up stories. Heck, I've been known to indulge in role-playing games from time to time. With the excess amount of free time I've had lately, I've been looking around at some simple role-playing games (RPGs) with which to introduce my kids into the hobby. Please, no charges of Satan-worshipping...save that for any ill-concieved ignorance you may have for my chosen religious views.

    I had two main requirements for any RPG I would play with my kids: 1) VERY simples rules. 2) Free. While #2 almost always trumped out #1, I have to admit I found one that I was extremely tempted to buy: The Secret Lives of Gingerbread Men. Little cookies, big secrets. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! "Oh no! Not my gumdrop buttons!" I'm going to be smiling about this one for days. Why didn't I buy it? I don't think it is available any more...but I didn't look too hard. It might still be around somewhere.

    In the end, I decided to start them off on a game called Shadows. The name sounds spooky and possible not a game for kids, but just click on the link and read. Yeah, it's for kids. The basic plot I have in mind for them (the three older kids that is: ages 8, 6, and 4) starts as a sleepover at their aunt and uncle's house here in town (which is huge, by the way) when they are awaken by Ka-bree-is (no idea how they spell it - she is one of their dogs) barking at something and go from there. I'm curious to see what they come up with. Since they will be "adventuring" together, I expect we'll have some interesting dynamics.

    Once we do that (if we do it at all) a couple of times, I'll probably switch them over to Risus which is a pretty bare-bones system that I think they will grasp easily (well, the older two at least).

    I think they might take to role-playing quite well - based on what I hear when they play together...at least before the arguments break out. Besides, Isaiah loves playing with my Heroscape board game and Mary has recently discovered the Magic Tree House book series. Rebekah might still be a bit young for it, but there will be severe consequences and repercussions if she doesn't get to play with the others. Besides, it might provide some good role-playing opportunities for the older two as they look out for Little Sister.

    I came across some other good games for kids, but they cost money, and most of the other free ones are still a bit beyond their age group...at least until they grasp the concept of "make-believe with set rules."

    Thursday, August 31, 2006

    IT'S ALIVE!!!

    Sigh...What a rough summer...

    But before we get to all that, I have some catching up to do. First of all, the family trip went relatively okay, all things considered. We had the chance to see a lot of really neat things and the kids really enjoyed seeing the sights. The car trips between the sights were...well...pretty much what you'd expect. But we survived. The really bad part of the whole trip was that we were "lucky" enough to go during a huge heat wave that covered the entire country. Arizona. Heat wave. Umm...yeah...that quickly cured me of any ideas I might have been harboring about moving to the Southwest.

    Since being back, things have gone precipitously downhill. I will just have to summarize so as not to blow another gasket and lose even more brain-juice.

    • Still no job
    • I managed not to kill any of my in-laws
    • We moved to Spokane (sans job...but at least it's not Pullman)

    There is probably more I could put in that short list, but...you know...loss of brain-juice and all...

    Not all is bad, however. The kids start school on September 5th, and it seems to be a pretty good school district. The school itself is only 4 blocks from the house but, unfortunately for the kids, it is uphill all the way. Eh...it will do 'em good.

    I've still got some pretty rough months/years ahead. I've spent all this time and money getting a college degree and I'm finding out that it is pretty close to worthless. Yeah, yeah, I know all the arguments about the "value" of a college education, but right now it seems like it was a big waste of life's resources. Graduate school seems like more of the same as well. Besides, I would need three letters of recommendation to get accepted and I don't know three people who know enough about me to be able to recommend me. And to top off that particular path, most of the graduate degrees that interest me or that I would qualify for seem like dead-ends as well.

    BS, MS, PhD indeed: Bull **** (BS), More of the Same (MS), Piled Higher and Deeper (PhD).

    Friday, July 07, 2006

    What? No job? I'm going on VACATION!

    So...here's the update:

    I have no job - big long story, but the upside is that I get out of this town. YEA!

    I have no home - been living at the in-laws until I heard one way or the other about this job. Hasn't been bad, but certainly not ideal.

    So, what's a guy to do? Road Trip!

    We're packing up the family (99% of our stuff is already in storage) and driving down to Arizona to visit my dad. But we can't go in a straight line, now can we? Heck no! Here is our tentative itenerary:

  • Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks
  • Temple Square in Salt Lake City
  • Zion National Park
  • Grand Canyon National Park
  • And then what will probably be the most fantastic (and I mean that in the very literal sense of the word) sight of all: Quartzsite, Arizona!

  • I figure it will take us about 5 days to make the trip. There are a few other spots I would have loved to visit, like Dinosaur National Monument and Chaco Canyon National Historical Park, but we'll get those some other time. In any case, I'll try to get pictures posted when I get the time.

    Wait! 5 days? 5 days in a car with little kids?! ARE YOU INSANE, MAN?!?

    Quite possibly. And we leave Monday...

    Friday, June 16, 2006

    Disconnected

    No internet at home = no new posts for a bit.

    We will be moving at the end of this month, we just don't know where yet. Until we settle down (yeah, right), we will be without an internet connection. Such is life.

    Sunday, June 04, 2006

    Occupational Dilemma

    It is getting to be crunch time. We are still in student housing and our lease is up at the end of this month. The Scouts haven't said "no" to me yet, but they certainly haven't said "yes" yet. It is completely infuriating. If I do not hear from them by the end of this next week, I'm going to have to call it off and pursue a different option that has recently presented itself.

    While it doesn't pay as much as Scouting would, one of my former co-workers at the library has informed me of a staff opening there. I have to get my application in by the 12th - which is this coming monday. The job involves working in the same unit I was working in as a student, so I'm pretty sure I have a good chance of getting the position.

    If that happens, we will still have to move. I've been looking at some real estate around town here and I think I have found a place. For the price they are asking for it, it is probably a bit of a fixer-upper - but I guess you have to take what you can get. I'll go take a closer look at the house tomorrow. I would REALLY prefer to move away. I haven't hated a town this much in a long time.

    This whole situation has me a bit on edge and I've been...how a polite way of saying this...grumpy lately. I've probably taken it out on the kids more than I should have. No one is perfect....

    Tuesday, May 30, 2006

    Blast From the Past

    It might take a while to download on a dial-up connection, but it is well worth the wait:

    Sesame Street Martians

    Yipyipyipyip!

    Monday, May 22, 2006

    Phonics

    About a month ago, I picked up a cheap (relatively cheap anyway) set of the "Hooked on Phonics" program for the kids. Mary has been a bit behind on reading (due to a school in another unnamed city that completely failed to prepare her for our current school district), and I thought this would be a great thing for us to spend time on.

    First, I have to say that I am VERY impressed by the program. It has five levels and steps the kids through all the basic reading skills...and it is a lot of fun. Mary breezed through the first level and is now halfway through the second level. She actually can read at a higher level, but I really wanted to review some of the basics with her. I'm beginning to see her problem: either her brain is going faster than her mouth or her mouth is going faster than her brain - I can't decide which. She knows the words, but she gets going so fast that she starts to guess instead of actually looking at the whole word. This reading time has really gotten her to slow down and sound out words instead of trying to memorize the word as a whole.

    I started Isaiah on the first level and he is going at a slow but steady pace. He should be well ahead of the game by the time he starts first grade next year. He is much more methodical about reading than Mary in any case. He still slurs much of his speech, making it hard to understand him sometimes, but at least his reading skills are growing good.

    Even though Rebekah is still another year away from kindergarten, I've also started working with her on letter recognition. She does great when she does them quickly and in order (thanks to the ABC song), but still has trouble identifying many of the central letters. Eh...no rush. But she needed something to do with Dad since the older two now have their reading time.

    And all this isn't to say that I don't include Mom. A big part of our reading is that the kids go out and read their workbook story or book to Leslie after they practice with me. She is amazed at how much they all are doing.

    As for Emma, 'Bekah and I sing the ABC song to her...at least until one of us gets tired of it....and that usually isn't Emma. "Again! Again!" is the constant refrain.

    Saturday, May 20, 2006

    Us Is Gradumacated

    Well, it is official: both Leslie and I have graduated from college. Somehow we have managed to get through it with four little kids...I don't know how, but we did. It has been nice this past week to just sit around the house and not have anything to do, but it is starting to wear a little thin.

    I am not working at the library any more because I am not a student. I was in a few days ago to turn in some books and was told that there is going to be a job opening. That is good to know, but I'm waiting to see if this Scouting thing is going to work out. I still have to wait another week or so - the fact that I have graduated won't be posted on my transcript until then and my transcript won't be sent to the BSA until it shows I am graduated. I will never understand how universities work...

    In the meantime I am being lazy. After the house is cleaned for the day, I sit around and read or play video games. When the kids get home, I sometimes play with them. It is nice, but I am ready to be busy again.

    I just hope everything gets worked out before my housing lease is up at the end of June.

    Thursday, May 18, 2006

    100th Post!

    Ignoring for the moment that I haven't posted in...um....a really long time, I finally managed to make it to my 100th post. In a lame show of celebration, here are five posts from the past that I enjoy. I'm not saying they are my favorites - didn't want to take the time to reread them all at the moment - but here they are:

  • Return From Camping

  • Games vs. Legos

  • Sleep? What's That?

  • Behold! Dad Reveals All Their Goofy Glory!

  • Young Punks vs. The Stud

  • On a side note, I've been given some grief by some folk about not writing lately. I shall endeavor to correct that fault.

    Thursday, March 30, 2006

    Holy Lack Of Posts Batman!

    Man oh man...so much to catch up on. I can't believe it has been nearly a month since my last post (okay, I can believe it, I just don't want to).

    First off:

  • Rebekah turned four this month. Oy...

  • Leslie and I celebrated our ninth anniversary. Wow...

  • Mary turned eight and was baptized. Sheesh...

  • Only one month left of my undergraduate career. Woo hoo...


  • I was planning on making all kinds of posts for the above items, but everything seemed to get busy all at once and, therefore, nothing was done. Figures.

    Some other things that happened this month that I never got around to:

  • Happy Birthday Lori!

  • Dad and Helen, nice seeing ya'll again.

  • Had the chance this last week to listen to Jared Diamond give a presentation on campus.

  • Scuba is getting insanely tough, what with all the breath-holding skills we have to do.


  • Well, I had tons of stuff on my mind lately, and wanted to get them written down. So in a very real sense, this blog entry is incredibly anti-climatic.

    Thursday, March 09, 2006

    In Defense of the Suit

    Today I came across a newspaper article from a few days ago - here it is distilled down to it's essentials:

    Of all the clothes available to men, the suit (along with the overcoat) has remained recognisably the same for the longest. Look at photographs of Victorian men, and they are wearing outfits related to the ones you have. Suits may change in fashion and style around the edges, but at heart, when you put one on, you are wearing not just your father’s armour, but your grandfather’s and great-grandfather’s; the defining plumage of hosts of men who were long dead before you were born. You put on a suit and you join history and heritage. Nobody I have heard of has come up with a convincing argument why the suit should have clothed the world’s men for so long, so plainly and conservatively. It must speak to some deep, pan-cultural, omnisocial conformity, some understanding of probity and power.
    .
    .
    .
    The suit isn’t a mindless conformity of drudgery and bureaucracy; it is the acceptance of the responsibility and heritage of your gender. And it is because men wear and understand the metaphor of their suits that children can have their allotted time wearing jeans and hoodies.

    Okay, as an anthropologist, I have to admit that the first paragraph is a completely Euro-centric and a far-from-accurate view of the fashions of the world. Still, it speaks to the Old World blood in me - and makes me long for a brighter future where Men (notice the capitalization there) dress and act in a more chivalric manner.

    Wednesday, March 08, 2006

    Liberty Amendment

    I realize that not everyone who reads this lives in the United States of America. I also realize that in the past I have never been that politically active - mostly due to the lack of causes that I can support with no reservations.

    That, however, has changed.

    The only way to reduce taxes is to reduce the size and scope of government. That is why I support the Liberty Amendment which proposes, under Section 1: "The Government of the United States shall not engage in any business, professional, commercial, financial or industrial enterprise except as specified in the Constitution." Under Section 3, it stipulates: "The activities of the United States Government which violate the intent and purposes of this amendment shall, within a period of three years from the date of the ratification of the amendment, be liquidated and properties and facilities affected shall be sold." As incredible as this may seem, enactment of the Liberty Amendment would cut the cost of government more than half and provide funds with which to pay off the national debt by more than 65 billion dollars! Cutting the size of the government is the only way to cut taxes, and don't let any politician tell you otherwise.

    This is something I'm serious about. Educate yourself about it. Write a letter to your Senator and your Representative. Get others involved. This is something worth fighting for.

    Tuesday, March 07, 2006

    All's Quiet

    Not much to report. Life has been pretty quiet lately.

    Some days I do better than others about not spending a lot of time on the computer. Old habits are hard to break.

    ::shrug:: I guess that is it...

    Wednesday, March 01, 2006

    March Madness

    Let the madness begin!

    March is always a crazy month. There is so much going on: Birthdays, anniversaries, school projects, spring wheat planting in the lower 40...okay, maybe not that last one.

    Still having troubles breaking the sleepiness. I know I'm spending way too much time on the computer. I need to stop playing around and find something else to do. I can't imagine I'm setting that great of an example for my kids. After all, they say you spend the most time on what is most important to you. Does playing on the computer rank up there as one of the most important things in my life? Hardly.

    Time for a change.

    Here's a New Spring Resolution (since I didn't make any New Year's ones...) - No more than 1 hour of computer play per day and no more than 1 hour of TV watching per day. I'll try to spend the rest of the time playing games with my family, reading, writing (with pencil and paper - no computer typing), and generally spending more time outdoors now that it is warming up.

    Wish me luck!

    Sunday, February 26, 2006

    Find the Hidden Giraffe

    In the apparently blurred picture shown in my profile, you can make out a hidden giraffe if you look hard enough. Enjoy!

    Saturday, February 25, 2006

    Happy B-Day Isaiah!

    Okay, it was actually yesterday. However, he is having his party today. At times it is hard to picture him being six years old and at other times it seems like he has been around forever. Speaking of being around forever, he was way too wound up last night to go to sleep. Eventually he remembered (on his own) the last time he stayed up (when he watched a Looney Toons box set with me) and what a headache he had the next morning. He sent him off to bed with a "Night Dad!" and we didn't hear from him again. People (especially kids) are funny critters.

    Anyhow, happy birthday kiddo!

    Friday, February 24, 2006

    Butterfly...

    ...how I love it when you flutter by
    All the flowers in my garden grow
    'Cause they love you so
    Butterfly

    So there I am, getting ready to do the sprint workout. It is all 25s and 50s. Feeling a bit ornery, I do the whole first half of the workout butterfly.

    Note to self: Go stick your lethargy in your ear...

    Thursday, February 23, 2006

    Plateau

    My athletic energy has leveled off this past week. I've hit that stage where I don't feel like pushing myself anymore. I've decided not to sign up for the swim meet in April - again, too many other things going on. I have a sprint workout in about an hour that I'm not really looking forward to.

    On the upside, I am halfway through my last semester! Yea me!

    I've been in contact with a few professional scouters lately and they all have pretty much the same thing to say: The first two years are the hardest...like 60+ hours a week hard. Ugg.

    On the upside, if you can make it through the third year, you are set. Yea me.

    I've also been trying to go to sleep earlier and quit my late night snacks. My body is still adjusting and that could account for my lethargic feelings lately.

    On the upside...oh, who am I kidding? I've been lethargic my whole life. Umm...yea me...?

    Monday, February 20, 2006

    Paleo-Indian Migration Into South America

    A sample of my anthropological writing I spent the better part of today putting together. WARNING! It is long. It is dry. And I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing (including my professor). No comment are necessary unless you are strangely into this stuff as much as I am.


    Paleo-Indian Migration Into South America


    Modern scientific theory states that the human occupation of the American continents began around 12,000 years ago with the crossing of the northern land bridge of Beringia. Humans then moved south, filling North America with a culture referred to as Clovis, and then into South America. Although this model is commonly accepted, do the South American Paleo-Indian cultures represent a natural extension of the Clovis culture or do they represent a completely separate cultural complex?

    It is commonly accepted that the New World was colonized rapidly (Anderson and Gillam 2000), but exactly how and why are still being debated. One theory makes the assumption that as hunter-gatherer bands grew in population, they split and the new group formed its territory adjacent to the original group. This sets up a chain of roughly circular territories that stretch throughout the continents. Using this “string-of-pearls movement scenario…[it] would have required 30 territories or ‘pearls’ to span North America, with another 24 required to reach the southern cone of South America” (Anderson and Gillam 2000:57). At that rate, it would have taken four to five thousand years to fill both continents, which Anderson and Gillam state as being much too long to fit the current archaeological data.

    The next theory takes the accepted timeline into account as well as the scattered nature of Paleo-Indian sites. It is called the “frog-leaping” pattern and suggests that when hunter-gatherer bands split, the new group would move to a distant location instead of residing nearby. When looking at the archeological record in North America, the heavily clustered, but widely separated, locations of Clovis artifacts lends some credibility to the frog-leaping theory. There are, however, still those who are not convinced.

    Moore and Moseley believe that the small numbers that Anderson and Gillam used in their population models cannot constitute a viable breeding pool for the colonization of two entire continents. The two major problems they identify as limited population expansion are incest taboos and sex ratio at birth (Moore and Mosely 2001). Within small populations, there is an increased chance that individuals are closely related to one another and unless the incest taboo developed recently in human cultures, which is not supported by anthropological studies, there would be a limited number of potential mates for any particular individual. Also, there is the possibility that the children born in a small community might all be of the same sex.

    Using a mathematical model, they ran a simulation that “does not permit marriage between siblings, between child and parent or parents’ siblings, between child and grandparents, or between first cousins, but allows women to marry polygynously” (Moore and Mosely 2001:527). Even though they ran the simulation with different numbers of starting populations, in every case they lasted less than one thousand years. The largest determining factor was the number of males in each generation – the more males born, the shorter the population as a whole survived.

    This being the case, Moore and Mosely are convinced that the frog-leaping model, which puts groups in relative mating isolation, is incorrect. In order for a population to survive, it must have contact with nearby groups to exchange mates, and thus they support the string-of-pearls method in spite of its shortcomings.

    Anderson and Gillam responded with a very interesting observation: “The fact that isolated band-sized groups of 25 people could go extinct within a comparatively short time…may help explain why pre-Clovis archaeological remains are so uncommon in the New World – small numbers of people may have been present much earlier then traditionally thought, but prior to much before ca. 13,500 cal. B.P. most or all probably died out, representing ‘failed’ migrations, and hence leaving the spotty, varied, and somewhat ambiguous archaeological record that characterizes the pre-Clovis era” (Anderson and Gillam 2001:531). They also have a greater faith in the ability of human culture to overcome environmental challenges that widely separated communities might be faced with (Anderson and Gillam 2001:532).

    But what would happen if humans were faced with barriers that culture could not overcome? The environments of North America are very different from those found in Central and South America. Could the human body adapt as quickly to the new environs as the current colonization models suggest? It is clear from the archaeological record that the Clovis culture was not only widely spread across North America, but also highly mobile due to the spread of raw lithic material from specific regions across the continent. But in South America, the Clovis tradition is conspicuously absent. One theory to explain this is called the “Disease Barrier Hypothesis” (Waguespack 2002).

    Although the environment of Central and South America have changed over the past 13,000 years, archeological reconstruction “indicate that tropical rainforests extended across the northern portion of South America during the period of human colonization” (Waguespack 2002:230). While North America had its share of diseases, tropical regions generally have a higher concentration of pathogens and would have to be crossed in order for the colonization of South America to take place.

    Highly mobile hunter-gatherer populations are more likely to encounter detrimental pathogens and, as they travel, spread that pathogen to others – especially if the populations are large enough to support frequent contact. However, we know from the historic record that diseases such as smallpox could not have had such a devastating effect on indigenous cultures if it wasn’t for the increase in population and decrease in mobility, therefore, “for pathogens to truly present a colonization barrier population growth and mobility must be significantly reduced from previously inhabited, less disease prone, originating environments” (Waguespack 2002:234). Whether or not the tropical zones created such a barrier is difficult to determine. The presence of modern pathogens does not automatically suggest a limiting factor to ancient colonization, but it does provide a plausible excuse for the lack of Clovis artifacts in South America.

    As an alternative to travel through the tropics by land, evidence of early marine resource use in South America may imply the use of coastal/marine travel to bypass the tropical environments. Excavations at Quebrada Jaguay in southern Peru show that marine resources were being used around 11,000 – 13,000 YBP (Sandweiss 1998). This in conjunction with sites along the Pacific coast in North America, suggest “that some early inhabitants of the Americas migrated along the Pacific coasts of North and South America, separately from those who moved through the interior” (Sandweiss 1998:1832). Certainly by 10,000 years ago, the coastal regions of South America were colonized and heavily used for resources, as opposed to earlier where Sandweiss suggests that the human occupation might have happened only in seasonal rounds – living part of the time in the highlands and part of the time on the coast.

    Within the tropical regions of South America, there is evidence for human occupation that is quite distinct from the northern Clovis culture. Sites in the Amazonian basin have been identified as possible Paleo-Indian artifacts that are contemporary with Clovis but fit neither a Clovis nor a pre-Clovis theory. Bifacial stone points have been found near Monte Alegre, although the dates for such finds are hotly debated. Roosevelt et al. (1996) contend that the Caverna da Pedra Pintada site near Monte Alegre are indeed of a Paleo-Indian age instead of from a later time as others argue (Haynes, Reanier, and Barse 1997). The debate continues as the implications of sites such as these may ultimately determine the longevity of the Clovis First hypothesis.

    Discussion

    For the Clovis culture to have colonized both American continents, they would have had to been highly mobile and have a high fertility rate. Todd Surovell (2000) looked at whether those two factors are incompatible. He looks at two types of groups. One he calls “high residential foragers” who move their base camp frequently, maximizing “the distances walked annually while moving base camps, but minimizes daily foraging distances” (Surovell 2000:498-499). The other type is “low residential foragers” who “move base camps infrequently, thus minimizing residential mobility and maximizing foraging distances. This strategy instead emphasizes moving food to people” (Surovell 2000:499).

    At first it seems that high mobility and high fertility are at odds with each other. However, Surovell’s study shows that less distance is spent moving the base camp more frequently, since less distance is traveled on a daily basis. Therefore, groups that have a more mobile base camp can afford to spend more energy on childcare. This becomes more interesting when compared to modern hunter-gatherer in tropical locales. Those groups that “move most frequently (Ache, Hill Pandaram, and Hadza) are also characterized by the highest levels of fertility” (Surovell 2000:504).

    Using this strategy, Surovell suggests that Paleo-Indian cultures could have traveled long distances, accessed the valuable lithic raw materials, and still have contact with neighboring groups for mate exchange. As these bands reached the tropics, they would have tried to retain their highly mobile and highly fertile lifestyle. Diseases reduced mobility and contact between groups spread the pathogens; those that survived then spread out into the South American continent. If this scenario took place in pre-Clovis times, perhaps those diseases were what reduced those populations and allowed for the spread of Clovis in the north while limiting it in the south.

    The evidences to support or refute the connection between South American Paleo-Indian cultures and the Clovis culture of North America are not accepted by all parts of the community of archaeologists. All that can be safely said is that Clovis spread throughout North America by any number of means, and that the cultural remains stopped in the northern part of Central America. The result is that there are two areas that are separate and distinct from each other. As Jared Diamond first wrote in his book The Third Chimpanzee (1992) and later expanded upon in Guns, Germs, and Steel (1997), the New World lay in a north-south orientation with the tropics dividing it into two halves – something not seen in the Old World which lay on an east-west axis. While not commenting upon the relations between the two cultural complexes, he believes that the tropics produced a barrier (but perhaps not necessarily a disease barrier) to the movement of people and, more importantly, to the movement of plants and animals.

    Llamas, alpacas, guinea pigs, and potatoes never spread into Northern America and even “many crops that were apparently shared prehistorically between North and South America [cotton, beans, lima beans, chili peppers, and tobacco] actually occurred as different varieties or even species in the two continents, suggesting that they were domesticated independently in both areas” (Diamond 1992:246). With such variation in flora and fauna, it should come as no surprise that human cultures that may or may not be in existence at the same time, have just as much variety regardless of common heritage.

    Conclusion

    With the current level of knowledge and archaeological sites, it is impossible to determine the exact nature of the South American Paleo-Indians. Changes in environment, geography, and human behavior place obstructions to recreating an accurate picture of human migration patterns. While the northern temperate plains show a relatively simple picture, the tropical zone creates a barrier of sorts and it is perhaps a moot point on whether or not Clovis peoples struggled their way through. Whether on foot or by boat, if some did get through they were, perhaps, so depopulated and isolated from those in the north that they would be, in essence, in a completely new New World and would be starting a new migration point from which to colonize it.

    References Cited


    Anderson, David G. and J. Christopher Gillam.
    2000 Paleoindian Colonization of the Americas: Implications from an Examination of Physiography, Demography, and Artifact Distribution. American Antiquity 65(1):43-66.

    Anderson, David G. and J. Christopher Gillam.
    2001 Paleoindian Interaction and Mating Networks: Reply to Moore and Moseley. American Antiquity 66(3):530-535.

    Diamond, Jared
    1992 The Third Chimpanzee: The Evolution and Future of the Human Animal. Harper Perennial, New York.

    Diamond, Jared
    1997 Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Society. W. W. Norton & Company, Inc, New York.

    Haynes Jr., C. Vance, Richard E. Reanier, and William Barse.
    1997 Dating a Paleoindian Site in the Amazon in Comparison with Clovis Culture. Science 275(5380):1948-1952.

    Moore, John H. and Michael E. Moseley.
    2001 How Many Frogs Does it Take to Leap Around the Americas? Comments on Anderson and Gillam. American Antiquity 66(3):526-529.

    Roosevelt, A.C., da Costa, M. Lima, Machado, C. Lopes, Michab, M, et al.
    1996 Paleoindian Cave Dwellers in the Amazon: The Peopling of the Americas. Science 272(5260):373-385.

    Sandweiss, Daniel H., Heather McInnis, Richard L. Burger, Asuncion Cano, Bernardino Ojeda, Rolando Paredes, Maria del Carmen Sandweiss, and Michael D. Glascock.
    1998 Quebrada Jaguay: Early South American Maritime Adaptations. Science 281(5384):1830-1832.

    Surovell, Todd A.
    2000 Early Paleoindian Woman, Children, Mobility, and Fertility. American Antiquity 65(3):493-508.

    Waguespack, Nicole M.
    2002 Colonization of the Americas: Disease Ecology and the Paeloindian Lifestyle. Human Ecology 30(2):227-243.

    Thursday, February 16, 2006

    Miscellany

    Perfume for Valentine's Day (for Leslie, not for me). I don't know how long I spent at that counter snorting smell after smell. I do know that when I got home I smelled pretty strange. Perhaps I don't have a sophisticated sniffer, but a lot of the expensive perfumes just plain stink.

    Scuba yesterday was awesome as usual. We're using the full equipment now and doing things like sitting at the bottom of the 8 foot section, taking off our masks, swimming away for a bit, coming back, putting the mask back on (underwater), and clearing it so you can see again (also underwater). Cool stuff - but dang, is it cold just sitting there underwater!

    Speaking of swimming...Looks like I'll be swimming in the local master's meet again this year. It will be on April 1st (no, this is not an April Fools joke). I have no idea what I want to swim. I'll probably do all the 50s or the 100s and maybe a long distance event as well.

    Sleep has been fleeting lately. I blame poker. I've been playing a lot online - not with real money, of course - and it constantly reminds me why. I get lucky every now and then, but for the most part I'm pretty terrible at it. Which I suppose is a good thing - it keeps me out of the casinos. I don't figure I'll be playing for much longer. It's mildly fun, but losing its appeal rapidly. Just doesn't do much for me.

    School is school. I'll be glad to leave.

    Kids are doing good...generally. This past month Mary has started throwing some major attitude towards Leslie. She feels sorry afterwards and says she doesn't know how to act differently. It's a learning process and from what I know about her, it is probably just as hard on her as it is on Leslie. You want your kids to grow up to be nice people, but sometimes it is hard to figure out what you have to do now in order for that to happen. Parenting sure has its ups and downs, and I'm trying not to let it stress me out.

    Tuesday, February 14, 2006

    What's Up With That?

    A few things today. First, a rant. Why on earth is the Olympics broadcasted so stinkin' late at night?! I don't mind watching, but when I have to stay up until midnight in the hopes I might see something of interest (instead of yet ANOTHER athelete get seriously injured). Which brings up another thing: Why oh why don't the TV stations show a wider range of events? I mean, I have to believe that figure skating and half-pipe snowboarding aren't the only things going on. Come on! Show us some variety!

    Second thing: Dad is in the hospital. Again. This time, the infinite wisdom of the doctors can't decide if it is the flu or his gall bladder. When I got the call last night, I was sure it was going to be much worse news than that. Still, you're in our prayers, Dad...and don't let those nurses give you any crap!

    Friday, February 10, 2006

    Only a Dad

    Came across this poem today and I'd thought I'd share:

    Only a Dad
    … But the Best of Men.
    Only a dad, with a tired face,
    Coming home from the daily race;
    Bringing little of gold and fame
    To show how well he has played the game,
    But glad in his heart that his own rejoice
    To see him come home and to hear his voice.

    Only a dad, of a brood of four,
    One of ten million men or more,
    Plodding along in the daily strife,
    Bearing the whips and scorns of life
    With never a whimper of pain or hate,
    For the sake of those who at home await.

    Only a dad, neither rich nor proud,
    Merely one of the surging crowd,
    Toiling, striving, from day to day,
    Facing whatever may come his way;
    Silent, whenever the harsh condemn,
    And bearing it all for the love of them.

    Only a dad, but he gives his all
    To smooth the way for his children small;
    Doing, with courage stern and grim,
    The deeds that his father did for him.
    These are the lines that for him I pen;
    Only a dad, but the best of men.

    (Author Unknown. Source Book of Poetry, Al Bryant, comp.; Grand Rapids, Zondewan Publishing House, 1968.)

    Perhaps I am being overly sentimental. My life has been incredibly busy lately - mostly with (once again) trying to determine what I want to be when I grow up. What will my role be in society? Will I make a difference? Will I be happy in a world of distractions and disappointments?

    Over the past several years, I have held a philosophy that may or may not be shared with others: When things are a mess, refocus on the basics. It has worked extremely well at work, and I realize it is what I have been (unconciously?) doing for the past few weeks. My point being this: I am a father. It is what I am, it is who I am, it is what I want to be. All the rest is just "chrome" on the car of life - pretty to look at, but ultimately non-functional.

    The unspoken (unwritten) foundation for that previous paragraph is that I also want to be a husband. Leslie and I were talking last night about how nice it is to be such good friends that while their might be times we don't spend as much time with each other as we'd like, we will always be there when the time is right. I love my wife more than I can conceivably put into words. Sure, there are those times when I get grumpy (more often than I should) or she gets irritated with me (not nearly as much as she has a right to). But I know that after I ride in on my white horse to rescue her from a dragon, we can ride off together in the same saddle towards the next adventure where she will most likely rescue me from the next dragon to come along. We're a team, we're in love, and no matter what life throws at us, I know she's "got my back."

    Yup, it's back to basics for me. And the basics = my family.

    Wednesday, February 08, 2006

    Tuesday, February 07, 2006

    Off Kilter

    Ever have one of those days/weeks/months that just seems...off...somehow? That is what today was like. I got up, went to work, swam 1700 yards, went to class, came home, slept for 3+ hours, woke up and watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (one of my favorites) and now I'm just sitting looking blankly at the computer screen as it nears 10PM.

    Part of it has to do with some papers for class that I've been procrastinating - one on comparing paleoindian cultures in North and South America, and the other on a book titled The Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond. Both are actually very interesting, but it just adds to my mood...now if I can just figure out what my mood is...

    Speaking of Jared Diamond, he has become one of my favorite non-fiction authors lately. Three of his books in particular have really caught my attention and I just love the way he writes.

    The Third Chimpanzee
    Guns, Germs, and Steel
    and Collapse: How Societies Choose to Succeed or Fail

    All three are excellent books on human behavior/culture. Makes me wish I had time to write a book myself.

    Monday, February 06, 2006

    Superbowl - Superblah

    I didn't watch the whole Superbowl, since I'm not a big football fan. However, what I did watch did nothing but mildly irritate me. The Seahawks got shafted by absolutely terrible calls by the refs. That and you never knew from one play to the next if that one receiver (Stevens?) was going to catch the stupid ball or not. I'm just glad I was watching it by myself. I couldn't have handled watching it with rabid sports fans. All in all, I don't think the Steelers won the game as much as the Seahawks lost it. Meh. I'm over it.

    (P.S. And the commercials were crappy. Seriously. Not a single good one.)

    Tuesday, January 31, 2006

    Lamentations of a Father

    On those days when I feel my fatherly patience wearing thin, I take comfort from the lamentations of fellow father, Ian Fraizer:

    Laws of Forbidden Places:
    Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

    Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

    Laws When at Table:
    And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

    Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

    When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.

    When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

    Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

    And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

    Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

    Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
    For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

    But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

    But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

    And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

    On Screaming:
    Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

    Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

    Concerning Face and Hands:
    Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

    And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

    Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

    Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
    Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

    Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.